


My Weathered Soul

by IBoatedHere



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: A very sweet prostitute, Angst, Awkward Conversations, Character Study, College Ben, First Kiss, Long-Distance Friendship, M/M, Pining, Pre-Canon, Sharing a Bed, drunk founding fathers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 03:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6357502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IBoatedHere/pseuds/IBoatedHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes love finds a way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Weathered Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Weathered by Jack Garratt.

“It's such a shame you don't have another sister, Caleb,” Mrs. Tallmadge says as she passes roasted potatoes around the table. “Then Ben could marry her and I wouldn't need to worry.” 

Caleb has one older sister. She moved to Boston to be closer to her husband’s family and can’t take on another mouth to feed. 

She’s already starting to show the same signs of sickness their father had and their uncle currently has. 

Caleb knows it’s only a matter of time before it comes for him. 

But for now he's healthy and as strong as a ten year old boy can be. He helps his uncle at the orchard and plays with his friends and learns about the Ancient Greeks and Romans in school.

He eats dinner with the Tallmadge's most nights and spends most of his days there too. His uncle is always so busy and there’s no one he’d rather spend time with than Ben. 

“You don’t need to worry about, Benjamin,” his father says. “He’ll be just fine.”

Mrs. Tallmadge clucks her tongue and makes a worrying sound and the Reverend rolls his eyes but smiles all the same. 

It’s never too early to start worrying about your children's future and worrying is her favorite pastime. She’s already run through the list of eligible girls in town for Samuel and now she’s settling in on Ben. 

“What about Anna,” she says and everyone reacts at the same time. Ben scoffs and Caleb chokes on his cider. Samuel laughs and Nathaniel shakes his head. 

“What’s wrong with Anna?”

“Anna is my friend,” Ben tells her.

“That’s how the best marriages start.”

Caleb has never considered Anna like that and he doesn’t think Ben has either. Ben tells him everything. They’ve never even talked about girls. 

“I’m afraid Abraham Woodhull has already expressed interest in her,” Samuel says. 

“Judge Woodhull doesn’t like her,” Ben says.

“Judge Woodhull,” Reverend Tallmadge says and everyone turns to look at him. He’s been complacent, content to let his wife play matchmaker. Mrs. Tallmadge hasn’t been well for a while. She got sick a few winters ago. Ben spent a lot of time with Caleb and Sam with Thomas to get them out of the house so they didn’t catch it. She never fully shook it. No one talks about it though. How pale she is and how often she coughs. She’s always cold even in the middle of summer when the humidity forces them all to the water. The town doctor spends as much time in the Tallmadge household as Caleb does. Thinking about her boys future makes her happy. The  
Reverend wants to make her happy. “Judge Woodhull’s list of people that he does like is as short as his temper.”

Ben and Caleb grin across the table at each other. They love that feud. It’s subtle and often unspoken so hearing that remark thrills them. 

“Well,” Mrs. Tallmadge say, “Sometimes love finds a way.”

*****

“Why do they talk about getting married so much?” Caleb asks Ben. 

He shrugs and picks up a stick on the side of the road and waves it around like a sword. “You have to marry someone.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I guess if you don’t people talk about you funny. Like there’s something wrong with you.”

“Who would do that?”

“Sometimes I hear my parents talking,” He shrugs then hits Caleb on the arm. “You know, If you had another sister I could marry her and then we could be brothers.”

Caleb elbows him hard in the ribs. Ben elbows him back. 

“We already are brothers.”

They have to be. What else would explain what Caleb feels towards him. 

*****

Mrs. Tallmadge doesn’t make it through another winter.

Reverend Tallmadge never talks about who Ben should marry. 

*****

At 16 Ben is ready to go off to Yale. 

Caleb is 17 and is leaving for the sea. 

It's the first time they'll be apart. 

Abe decided they should drink in celebration of this new chapter in their lives. He’s headed off to college too and on the way back from the woods behind his father’s house he walked between Caleb and Ben and tries to stay on his feet. 

They leave him on his front steps for his father to find and giggle the rest of the way to Ben’s. 

Abe was right, the alcohol was a great idea. Caleb barely feels the burn of loneliness he’s already feeling when the liquor is keeping a fire going in his chest. 

Ben collapses heavily into his father’s chair. He’s still holding the bottle loosely in his right hand and smiles lazily at Caleb. 

“When will you be back?”

Caleb shrugs. He honestly doesn't know. 

“I'm going to miss you.”

“Oh, Benny,” he laughs. “You're going to do so much you probably won't even remember me. By the time I come back you'll probably be married with a son on the way. Name him after me.” 

That's really the best outcome. If he skips the courting and Ben's questions about if the girl with agree to marriage or not. If he skips the wedding. If he comes back and that has already played out it might hurt less. It didn't happen under his watch. He can't watch it happen. 

“It's strange to think about marriage, isn't it? I haven't given it much thought. Have you?”

Caleb shakes his head but it's a lie. He thinks about it all the time but it never ends well. He knows people don't always marry for love or it's not love at the start but it grows into it. It just blossoms between the two of them. Others treat it like a business transaction. That's how it'll have to be for him. He'll never love another the way he loves Ben. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Ben asks and Caleb leans in. “I haven't even been kissed yet. Who knows what kind of husband I'll be.”

It's the alcohol that makes him do it. Or it's the miles that will be between them come morning. Or the thought that even if for a moment Ben will be completely his. He'll never be able to forget him no matter what happens. 

Caleb's crosses the distance and puts his knees on either sides of Ben's thighs. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Ben laughs and playfully tries to push him off but Caleb has his hand on the side of Ben's face with his thumb running along the edge of his bottom lip and Ben stops smiling because his father, _Reverend Tallmadge,_ is sleeping two rooms away and he's never had this happen to him before. 

This is a hell of a first time. 

_“Oh,”_ he sounds out of breath and his tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip, the tip of it brushing against the pad of Caleb's thumb and Caleb is quick to chase it with his own lips. 

Caleb wants to melt into it. He wants to drop all his weight onto Ben's lap, he knows he can take it just like he's taken everything Caleb has thrown at him. 

Ben drops the bottle and his hands splay across his ribs and it feels like his whole body is on fire and his heart is about to beat right out of his chest.

He wants to lean out of it and rest his forehead against Ben's and say _this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me._

“Caleb,” his hand has moved up his chest and he pushes just enough to break the kiss. 

“Caleb, I don't do that. I'm not like that.” His voice is so soft. There's no judgment where they should be. He's not repulsed. He doesn't hate him. “It's okay though. It's okay. I won't tell anyone. I'm sorry. But I won't tell anyone. I just...I don't do that.” 

“It's okay. I don't do that either,” he tries to brush it off and stand up, run away, and never look back. “It's the drink. It's made me crazy. We should stop. I should go.” 

“You can stay.”

“I really can't. Have a nice time at Yale, Tallboy.” 

“Won't you be seeing me tomorrow?”

“I have to leave early. I don't want to wake you up.”

“Wake me up,” he grabs for Caleb's hand. “I want to see you again.”

******

Caleb sets sail before the sun comes up.

He doesn't wake Ben up to say goodbye. 

The captain says they're setting sail for two years. 

A lot can happen. 

There’s a chance they’ll never see each other again.

Maybe Ben would be better off. 

******

It’s three years before they see each other again. 

Caleb had an opportunity to see him before that, a year prior they docked in New Jersey for two weeks and Caleb had plenty of time to go to New Haven and see him but he couldn’t do it. 

Now they’re docked in New Haven. He can’t avoid him any longer and he doesn't want to. 

He finds Ben on a bench just outside the library sitting close to a handsome young man with blond hair. They look good together.

The tree is on fire behind them, bright with red, orange, and yellow leaves in the early autumn light. 

The guy is pointing to something in the book in Ben’s lap and Ben is laughing, eyes closed, head tipped back and throat exposed. 

He doesn’t see the way the other man looks him over. Appraises him with a smile that Caleb recognizes because it’s been on his own face countless times.

What did he just walk in on? When he said _‘I don't do that, I'm not like that’_ did he mean it or did he mean _‘I don't do that with you.’_

“Can we help you, Sir?” 

The man has noticed him but Ben is still wiping the tears of joy from his eyes to see clearly.

“Uhh.”

“Caleb?” 

It's been years but Caleb has thought about this moment everyday. 

“Hey, Tallboy.”

“Caleb,” he says his name around a smile and Caleb's thought about that too. Ben's on his feet and pulling him into a tight hug with his arms wrapped completely around him and his lips skimming the shell of his ear when he says “I can't believe it's really you, I haven't heard from you in...how long has it been?”

“Awhile. Sometimes it's hard to get letters out. I apologize.”

“It's okay, Caleb,” he pulls back and sets his hand on the side of his face. “You're here now. It's much better than a letter.” 

“Caleb as in Caleb Brewster?” The man on the bench stands and Ben's hand falls away. 

Caleb _hates_ that man. 

“Yes, Nathan, this is my best friend. Caleb, this is Nathan Hale. He's a classmate of mine.”

“It's nice to finally meet you, Caleb,” he offers his hand, “although, I feel as though I already have. Ben talks of you constantly. I feel like I grew up with the two of you.”

Caleb says “it's nice to meet you too,” and doesn't say _I’ve never heard of you. You didn't grow up with us, you don't really know him. You and I are not the same._

*****

“Is it true you jumped overboard in a storm with twenty foot waves at night to rescue a man that fell overboard?”

They're out for drinks at Nathan's insistence. 

“Caleb, come have dinner with us, I insist.” 

Caleb didn't want to. He came all this way to spend time with Ben. Not Ben and Ben's new best friend. 

But Ben had nodded and put his hand in Caleb's elbow and said “you must be hungry after such a long trip,” and now they're all sitting around a small round table and the wine is flowing freely. 

“I think Ben embellished a bit.”

“Me?” Ben put down his glass and coughed, aghast. “I read that straight from your letter.”

“Well I embellish a little. You should know that by now.”

“Was any of it true?” 

_Yes. Down the bottom where I slipped up and signed it, love, your dearest friend. Love was the truth._

“It was ten foot waves.”

Nathan laughs and Ben rolls his eyes. 

“It's a shame Ben couldn't write you and tell you everything we've been getting into.”

He's not particularly interested but the faint pink blush on Ben's face is fascinating. 

“It's nothing that needs to be told,” Ben says sharply but the sly look on Nathan's face says otherwise. 

“Don't sell yourself short, Ben.”

Nathan tells Caleb story after story about the fun they have and the trouble they get into and _the women,_ he claps his hand on his shoulder, _you debate on the side of women just once and they flock._

Ben, who has spent his time shooting Nathan hard glares and Caleb apologetic glances says “now who's exaggerating?”

But it doesn’t sound like Nathan is. He smirks at Caleb until Caleb stands up and promises he’ll be back with more drinks. 

Once he’s out of earshot Ben is leaning towards Nathan, furiously whispering and Nathan smiles and laughs.

******

The woman leaning against the bar is beautiful and and takes a quick interest in him. Maybe she senses the desperation and sadness rolling off of him. 

Her name is Charlotte. She’s as charming as she is pretty and they talk until Ben is hovering behind her trying to get his attention. 

Nathan’s already left. 

“Do you want to leave? Aren't you looking forward to sleeping in a bed that's not rocking with the waves.”

“Actually, Ben, I think I'm going to spend some time with Charlotte here.” 

“Charlotte,” he says, like he didn't even see her until now. He looks at the way Charlotte is draped on him and flounders. “Oh, I didn't think, I thought you, you used to...”

“So sweet,” Charlotte steps forward and cups her hand around Ben's cheek. “Does your friend want to join us?”

Ben blushes bright red. 

“No,” Caleb says, “he doesn't.”

******

He can’t do it. He’s giving it his all and god knows she’s doing all the right things but after fifteen minutes of trying he’s pulling his shirt on apologizing. 

“What’s wrong?” She wraps her fingers around his jaw and brings them eye to eye. “Is there someone else?” 

He breaks eye contact and grins. 

“There is. She must be a lucky lady to find herself a man so faithful.”

 _He. He doesn’t know. He has no idea how I feel about him. If he does he doesn’t care. He can’t care. He has more important things to worry about. There are others that have caught his attention. I’m an afterthought. I love him but he’ll never know it._

“She is,” he says and Charlotte smiles then gives him a careful look before she’s pulling book after book out from beneath her bed. She wants to go to school, to Yale. 

“Do you think I cut my hair they’d let me in? I could pretend.”

Caleb stares at her chest and she sighs then flops on the bed beside him, her chin resting on his knee. 

“I would bind myself, of course.”

“Of course,” he says then spends the next hour binding her breasts tight to her body. 

“Can you breathe like this?”

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry,” but she’s gasping slightly as she pulls on a man’s shirt. Caleb raises an eyebrow and she waves him off. “Not everyone is as upright as you,” she explains. She grabs his hat off the floor and tucks her hair beneath the rim then spins in a circle with her arms out. “What do you think?”

“I think you’re a very beautiful young man but I need to be going.”

“Is she waiting for you?”

Caleb doesn’t say anything so Charlotte stands on her toes and kisses his cheek. 

“You be good to your lady Mr. Brewster, and she’ll be good to you.”

She moves to give his hat back but he stops her. 

“You keep it. It looks good on you.”

*******

Ben’s in his bed when Caleb opens the door to his room. He’s not moving and buried beneath blankets. There’s a cot leaning against the wall opposite his bed with blankets and a pillow stacked on top of it. 

“Caleb,” his voice is rough with sleep but he’s sitting up and the blankets are falling from his shoulders. 

“Go back to sleep.”

“I’ll help you set that up.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“You could just,” he lifts the covers off the other side of the bed, “there’s room. It’ll be like when we were kids.”

They used to do it all the time. At the end of a long day of school or fishing or chasing each other around in his uncle’s orchard Mrs. Tallmadge would feed them, make them recite their prayers and send them to bed. Caleb would crawl in after Ben, lying close to him in the winter for warmth with the blanket pulled up over their heads and in the summer as far away as possible, covers kicked to the floor when the stuffy heat was oppressive. 

It was normal and natural and Caleb slept better beside him, cold toes against his shins and Ben’s gentle snoring, than he did when he was alone. 

It wasn’t until he turned thirteen and he started waking up half hard and longing for contact. Usually he’d go over what they last learned in class or what Reverend Tallmadge talked about in church on Sunday but he made the mistake once, and only once, of looking at Ben while he did it. Lips slightly parted and wet. Long eyelashes spread across pale cheeks. Hair splaying across the pillow. 

He moved his hips and caught just enough friction to make him moan and he was out of bed and out of the house, biting his lip to stay quiet as his back bent in pleasure. 

He used rain water to clean himself up then sit in the dirt with his back against the house trying to talk himself down from this. Trying to talk himself out of this. 

_“Where the hell have you been?”_

 _“Benjamin,” Reverend Tallmadge scolded and Ben turned a bit pink and apologized._

_“Where have you been?”_

_“Went for a walk.”_

_“It was dark out when I woke, you weren’t there.”_

_Caleb shrugged and sat down for breakfast._

Now at 19 it’s dangerous and reckless and a big mistake but Caleb toes off his boots and slips under the blanket next to him. 

“You smell like perfume,” Ben says after a long moment of silence. 

“Yeah.”

There’s another long stretch of silence. He thinks Ben has fallen asleep. His side is moving up and down slowly and Caleb closes his eyes and then- 

“What's it like? Sex.” 

Caleb eases back to the side of the bed to put as much distance between them as possible. How does he tell him he doesn't actually know. His only experiences are with women like Charlotte when he was lonely and back on land for the first time in months. And, one young man in Canada, pale with light hair. It wasn't good. It was enough for the time but ultimately unsatisfying. 

“The way Nathan spoke…”

“Nathan doesn’t know everything.”

 _Okay._ “It's…” He holds his breath as Ben shifts. Please don't turn over, please don't turn over. But he only moves the pillow beneath his head a bit and the tips of his toes brush against Caleb's shins before they move away. “It's good,” he lies. “It feels good,” he imagines. It's good when he's alone and he can let his mind fill in the blanks. Rough hands attached to strong arms. Slim hips against his own. Lips moving along his jaw, telling him he does do this and I'm sorry I made you wait. 

That's the good stuff. That's almost enough. 

“Is it different than when you're alone?”

Caleb wants to push him out of the bed. What the hell does he want from him? Doesn't he remember the night he left? He didn't grow out of that feeling. You don't age and stop loving your best friend. You get old and learn to understand it more. It runs deeper. It hurts. 

“Yes, it's better. You don't have to do any of the work.”

“Like it’s such a chore.”

“Ah,” Caleb laughs, a little proud. “I didn't know Yale was teaching you how to have a sense of humor.”

“With what I'm paying it had better.”

“Why haven't you done it yet?”

Ben takes a deep, shuddering breath. Caleb can see his body move with it in the light of the moon. 

“What if I'm bad at it?”

He doesn't get it. Does he not see what the rest of the world sees? 

“When have you ever been bad at anything? What does Nathan say?”

“I don’t talk to him about this.”

“Why not?”

“He’s not...I’d only talk to you about this kind of stuff. Besides, he’d just tell me to get it over with. Should I?”

“No,” he answers immediately. Too fast. His hand is out from the covers and against Ben’s back, palm between his shoulder blades. “Don’t do that. Take your time. It’s nothing to rush.”

_Please don’t. I’m waiting for you._

******

In the morning he’s alone. 

Ben is in the hallway laughing with Nathan. When he comes through the door he’s holding two cups of coffee. 

******

“Are you going to see her before you leave? The woman from last night.”

“No, why would I?”

Ben tips his head to the side. “Why wouldn't you? You had a nice time. Is there someone else? I didn't even know there were women in Greenland,” he jokes. 

“There are. Plenty of them, but none of them for me.”

“So you don't have a pretty young woman waiting for you?”

“No,” he laughs, “nothing like that.”

“No one waiting for you?”

And Ben remembers that night. He has to. He remembers Caleb's mouth against his own and his hands against Caleb's chest, pushing him away, gently. Breaking his heart, gently. 

“People don't wait for me,” he says, finally, bravely not looking anywhere but Ben's face. “I wait for them.”

Ben's lips part, just slightly, and Caleb moved in, wrapping his arms around Ben's waist and tucking his face again his neck. Ben hugs back with one hand around his shoulders and the other on the back of his head, long fingers through his hair. 

It's innocent but it's enough to fuel Caleb's fantasies for the next few months. It'll get him through the worst of it, the lonely nights and bar maids that love a sailor. 

*****

Caleb lets him know what ports they visit regularly. 

Every time they dock there are letters waiting for him.

He reads them over and over then tucks them in his coat so he can always have them with him. 

*****

It takes months for word to make it to him that there’s a rebellion and months for him to make it home. 

Setauket has changed. 

Ben is gone and so is Sam. Thomas has been killed and Abe’s new bride is named Mary. Their son is six months old. Anna is now Mrs. Strong and Selah is a successful and kind man, he ran just outside their tight circle as they were growing up, but he’s not Abe. This isn’t the way things are supposed to be. 

It's just another reminder that you don't always end up with the one you want.

Like Caleb needed another. 

******

There is word around town that the British will be stationed here. It’s only a matter of time. 

Everyone starts to ask him if he's going to join up. 

Everyday another man is gone off to join the fight. 

“I don't know what you're waiting for,” Anna tells him and Abe. 

“I have a son, remember?”

“Yes, how could I forget?” Anna snaps back ash Caleb awkwardly takes another drink. 

“I don't see you forcing Selah to go.” 

They bicker back and forth and don't even notice when Caleb leaves the table. 

******

Mr. Tallmadge cuts right to it. 

“Are you going to join Ben?”

“Do you think I should?”

“I'm honestly surprised you're still thinking about it. I thought the moment you realized Ben was gone you'd be right after him.”

“Don't you think I should stay and take care if my uncle? He's not getting any better.”

“He's doing alright, though. He's making it. He has been while you were gone.”

“You want me to go off and fight?”

“I'm worried about my sons. I haven't heard from Ben in months. You two have always looked out for each other and if he's still alive-.”

“Ben is still alive,” Caleb interrupts. “If he wasn't I’d…” He'd know. He'd be able to feel it. It would be like a part of him died to. “He's still alive. He’ll survive this.”

“I'd feel better about his odds of you were there with him.” 

He tells his uncle to keep his head down and that he’ll be back for him before slips out in the middle of the night for Connecticut. 

*****

It's weeks before he finds Ben. He has to work his way through the ranks. Through battles and towns in New York and New Jersey that he’s never heard of before. 

Finally, he ends up in the same camp asking around for a Captain Tallmadge. A private who still looks like a teenager and stands when Caleb addresses him, he is Lieutenant Brewster now, points him in the right direction. 

He stands just outside of his tent and watches him write at his desk. His coat, dark blue and standing out in contrast to the dull beige canvas of the tent, is draped across the back of his chair. His helmet, shiny and gold on the desk beside him. 

His brow is furrowed in concentration. Lips pressed into a thin line. He’s obviously penning something important and Caleb’s desire to rush forward into the tent and get hands on him is matched by his need to stay put. 

He doesn’t know if he’s welcome in his life anymore. It’s been years since he’s seen him. Almost as long since Caleb received a letter from him. He still has that letter. Ben wrote about graduating and finding a job teaching back home. He didn’t mention a woman. He never did. There could be one now. What woman could resist a man, that man, in a uniform with every spare ounce of baby fat transformed to muscle. He’s an officer. He’s not at all how Caleb left him. 

When Caleb last saw him, staring after him as he walked back to his room at Yale he was a boy trying as hard as he could to be a man. Now he is one and it only took a war to get him there. He’s faced death and killed and lost people he cared about. He wrote Caleb about Nathan, simply saying _Nathan is dead. The British caught themselves a spy. We’re not sure where his body is._

It was so clinical and Caleb reread it a dozen or so times in a boarding house in a port off Iceland while his shipmates drank and carried on around him and he tried to figure out how he felt about the whole thing. 

Ben and Nathan were so close. This has to mean more to him than one line at the bottom of a letter. Ben has never been one to hide his emotions. He wears them all across his face but Caleb can count the number of times he’s seen him cry on one hand. He sat next him at Mrs. Tallmadge’s service waiting for him to break down. He stood next to him at her grave as the townspeople put their hands on his shoulder and told him what a great mother she was, how he was lucky to have her. He nodded and stood stone faced. He couldn’t understand how Ben was taking it so well. It wasn’t until they were alone in Ben’s room that he finally broke down. Caleb was dealing with his own emotions, she was like a mother to him, and at eleven he didn’t think he could handle someone else’s at the same time. He was wrong. Ben was clinging to him, hands curled in his shirt and face wet and hot against his neck and Caleb rubbed his hand up and down his back. Made room in his own grief for Ben’s, took it all until Ben was done. Until he was asleep and Caleb was carding his hand through Ben’s hair as he slept. Caleb stayed up and watched the moonlight move across the floor of the room until it turned to sunlight and held onto Ben a little tighter whenever he would stir. 

That was a long time ago. Maybe he grew out of that. Maybe he doesn’t cry at all. Men very rarely do. 

_When I became a man I put aside childish things._

Maybe Caleb is one of those childish things better off left in the past. 

He steps one foot into the tent and says “Tallboy,” and Ben is out of his chair, almost knocking it over, and right in front of him, wrapping his arms around him. 

“Caleb,” he says, voice muffled against the side of his head, “what took you so long?”

“You’re not an easy man to find.”

Ben straightens so he can look at him with his hands still on Caleb’s elbows. “It’s been too long.”

“You look good.”

Ben laughs and drops his hands, “Do I?”

_No, it’s an understatement. You look great. You have always been the best thing I’ve ever seen._

“Well, you’re a little slight," Caleb tells him with his hands squeezing his upper arms. 

“It’s not easy here.”

“I wouldn’t expect it to be.”

“God,” Ben shakes his head, “you’re really here?”

Where else would you expect me to be? 

******

Caleb sends him off to rendezvous with Charles Lee, a man he's only heard bad things about. 

But Ben looks great in command of his men, mostly young boys who look at him in a slightly more innocent way than Caleb looks at him. 

“It'll be a short trip,” Ben tells him as he puts on his helmet. “Try to stay out of trouble while I'm gone.”

“Where's the fun in that?” 

******

Two days later Ben is in a medical tent with a bullet hole through his shoulder fighting a doctor who is trying to give him more alcohol for the pain. 

Caleb is shaking with rage and worry at the whole situation when he barges in and says “take the damn booze, Tallmadge.” 

******

He’s survived an ambush and lost all his men. He tells Caleb it was Robert Rogers, like he’s supposed to know who that is and that there’s a traitor in camp and he has an idea about how to get more information, vital information, but he’s not sure General Scott will agree with him. 

Caleb tells him ask anyway then puts his hand on Ben’s forehead and makes him drink what the doctor was holding. 

******

They sleep in the same tent.

His meeting with the General went exactly as he thought it would. He wants more scouting. He doesn't believe they have any friends in New York. 

Ben's wakes up breathing heavily and Caleb's across to him before he can wipe the tears away. 

“I'm sorry I woke you.”

“It's okay,” the damp ground is seeping into the fabric on his knees. “I wasn't sleeping. Are you okay?” 

“No,” Ben laughs but nothing is funny. “It's not about Rogers or getting shot. It was only a matter of time before that happened.”

Caleb's fingers curl tightly into his blanket at the thought. Ben thinks this is all inevitable. 

“It was that kid. He was under my command. It was the bayonet and the blood. I did that to him.”

“You were following orders. Scott is the one to blame. The traitor is the one to blame. You could have died there, Ben.”

“Yeah. Why didn't I?” 

“Because,” he says and reaches out in the dark. Ben's still shirtless, still wrapped up in a bandage with flushed, sweaty skin. He holds his face in his hands. “God has big plans for you, Benjamin Tallmadge. He's not letting you go out like that.” 

Alone in a ditch after an ambush. 

Maybe Caleb has been looking at this all wrong. Maybe God doesn't hate him. He keeps putting them back together. Maybe God has been on his side all along. 

“I have a plan,” Ben tells him, whispering even though no one is around. “How difficult do you think it will be to get back to Abe?”

******

It’s a massacre at the safehouse. 

Simcoe is tied to the back of a horse and Ben tells him when he wakes up they’ll pull the truth out of him. They have to. There’s a breach within the ranks and they have to figure it out. They’ll honor Abe’s only wish afterwards. He promises. 

Caleb looks at him, covered in blood and not caring and wants to ask _what has this war done to you? What have you become?_

******

Scott catches them right before Ben’s about to finally kill Simcoe. They’ve got nothing from him except a better understanding as to why Abe wanted him dead. 

Scott talks about a court martial.

At the safe house Caleb had his gun pointed right at Simcoe. He should have pulled the trigger. 

*****

Ben orders him back to Setauket. 

It’s nice to see Anna again. She’s as fiery as always, worried about her husband and Abe.

She comes through for her and gets him a boat. 

When he gets back to New Jersey with information about Hessian's he learns that Newt and his brothers are dead and that court martial Scott was threatening Ben with is no longer idle. 

******

They present what they know to Scott. 

He burns the letter and they watch their hard work go up in smoke. 

******

Caleb floats the idea of smuggling the letter in and after some resistance Ben takes over, effortlessly fabricating a plausible story to sell to Scott. He never ceases to amaze him. 

“Now we fold it up like a stowaway.”

“Stowaways get tossed overboard,” Ben says as he takes a swig from the flask, wincing and wiping his mouth on the back of his hand and Caleb thinks if you’re going in I’m going in right behind you. 

*****

Ben is going to die on the bank of the Delaware because he can’t keep a fire going. 

The men have left. They helped him get Ben undressed and gave up as many blankets as they could before they marched off. 

“I'm sorry, Sir,” one of the men had said, eyes shifting from Caleb to Ben who is clinging to life. 

“We have orders. I don't know what else to do.”

_Neither do I but I'm doing it._

It started raining shortly after he caught the rabbit. It's coming down heavy. Big, fat, drops that don't soak into the frozen ground but pool on top of it. He dragged Ben back beneath the shelter but while he was doing that the fire went out and he can't get it started again. 

He can't stop shivering. Ben's not moving at all. 

Ben is going to die. It doesn't matter that he's a virgin or that he doesn't deserve this or that Caleb so in love with him his heart aches with it constantly. 

Abe didn't end up with Anna. 

Caleb's going to watch Ben die. 

No one gets what they want. 

He remembers one summer when they were kids. Eight or nine and diving head first into the water off the dock to escape the heat.

They came up sputtering and a foot from each other. Ben was laughing with hair in his eyes, shades darker from the water, and Caleb looked at him, treading water to keep himself afloat and knew. This boy is my best friend. This boy is my partner. I never want to be without him. It was a stunning moment of clarity. 

Ben was still laughing when he lunged across the water and dunked him under by the shoulders. 

He clings to the memory now. He’ll remember the good times. 

He has four bullets left. 

If Ben doesn’t make it he’ll only need the one.

_Victory or death._

He lies behind behind him with his arm wrapped around Ben’s waist and his hand over his heart. It’s still beating, shallow but steady. His hair is still damp and Caleb buries his nose into it. At least it will be peaceful. He’s heard men talk about what it feels like to freeze to death, men that have been brought back from the brink. You just go to sleep. 

Ben won’t bleed out in a battle field, crying and moaning in agony with Caleb beside him putting pressure on the wound and begging for help that won’t be coming. 

He won’t die alone. Caleb will be right beside him just as he’s always been. 

His eyes close and his hand presses flat to Ben’s skin, digging in and pushing Ben’s back flush to his chest, like he’s breathing for both of them, like his own heart will keep Ben going. 

Ben shouldn’t be here. He should have stayed a school teacher, safe and protected at home. He should’ve found himself a nice girl to marry and had children. 

He should have left the fighting to men who have nothing to lose. 

*****

On January 2nd he wakes up. Coughing and shivering but alive and Caleb is in a euphoric disbelief when Ben asks him where are the men _because where are the men? You almost died, you asshole and you’re worried about the men? The men left you. I’m still here and the men left you._

“Trenton,” he says and Ben smiles and lies back down. 

When Ben can sit up on his own Caleb forces him to drink the remaining coffee and eat what’s left of the rabbit. 

“Don’t do that again,” he tells him and reaches over to pull the blanket tighter around his shoulders.

“It’s not as though I meant to do it.” There’s a strange lilting kind of humor to his voice and Caleb turns to face him, fingers still tight around the blanket and Ben looks over the rim of the cup at him.

“Don’t do that again,” he repeats. Slower this time. Punctuating every word. 

“You didn’t have to stay.”

Caleb lets him go.

Do you think I would leave you? Do you think that little of me? Of us? Would you leave me?

He stands up and one of Ben’s hands darts out from the pile of blankets to grab after him but Caleb’s too far. 

“Where are you going?”

“To find more food,” he says then adds “I’ll be back.” 

*****

At Morristown everyone is celebrating. 

_Trenton, Princeton, Jersey’s ours again._

Caleb can’t join in. He doesn’t care.

Ben almost died.

He can’t shake that.

*****

The camp watches a man get hanged for stealing silverware. They’re making an example out of him to discourage more serious offences. 

Ben’s charges are much worse. 

Absent without leave, falsifying intelligence, insubordination.

How is he supposed to get him out of this one? How can he protect him from this? 

*****

General Scott emerges from Washington’s office first. He’s headed for the front. 

Ben comes out as a major and head of intelligence. 

Abe has a new name. 

Caleb settles into camp. 

*****

Ben still coughs sometimes.

Thick, hacking ones that make his chest rattle and are impossible to hide.

Caleb looks on with concern as Ben waves him off, just as his mother did right before she passed. 

Are they all destined to follow in their parents tragic footsteps? 

Caleb’s not having any of it. 

He always finds Ben later and forces him to drink hot tea with honey even though Ben scoffs at the idea.

“Tea? Honestly Caleb, tea is what got us into his mess in the first place.”

*****

There is a lot of paperwork involved with Ben’s new position. 

He sits behind a desk all day compiling intelligence for Washington. 

No one is shooting at him.

No one here wants him dead. 

*****

Truth is, he'd fight the war all over again if it meant he got to see Abe shoot up from his bed out of a dead sleep. 

“You should've seen him, Benny, I've never seen a man move so fast. We don't have to worry about the lobster backs catching him because he can out run them.” 

“I wish I could've seen it,” Ben says and takes the wind right out of Caleb's sails. Ben hasn’t been home in so long and there isn’t an end to the war in sight. 

“How about you hop in a whaleboat with me, Major.” 

It's been weeks since Ben has left camp and Caleb can tell he's getting antsy. 

He has so much work to do. He has an entire code book to memorize. 

He’s not reporting to General Scott anymore. 

It’s George Washington, the commander of the Continental Army. 

The stakes are so high and Ben is being smothered in paperwork.

Caleb is incredibly thankful for it. 

*****

Samuel Tallmadge is alive and dead all within one day. 

He died before Christmas. Right before Ben was fighting for his own life on the bank of a river. 

Caleb wanted to bring Sam back to him to bring Ben a piece of home. 

It's nice to see Selah, but it's not the same. 

Ben is his best friend but he’s also an idiot with a death wish. He shows up shooting and expects Caleb to thank him for almost getting himself killed. He has plans to go out as a decoy and Caleb forces him to stay down. He has his own plan to throw his body of his if he decides he doesn’t want to listen, and really- when has he ever. _Don’t do that again_ echoes through his mind. 

He never thought he’d be relieved to hear British horses. 

*****

“Tallboy.”

His quill hesitates for a moment then continues. 

“Ben.”

“What do you need, Caleb?”

“What are you doing?”

“A report for Washington. He wants to know what I learned from Rogers.”

You learned that he's an asshole. 

“You don't have to do that right now.”

“Why wait?”

“I can do it for you.”

“I'm not betraying his trust like that.”

The quill is still scratching across the paper and Caleb puts his hand over Ben's wrist to stop it. 

“I'm sorry, Ben.”

“You said that already.” 

Rogers left him with a threat. 

There's no place on this continent that you can hide from me. 

Ben fired back with his own. 

Oh, I won't be hiding.

And Caleb had one more thing to worry about. Add it to the list. His dear friend, Benjamin Tallmadge is trying to get himself killed. Again. 

He doesn't understand how someone so pretty with such a kind heart manages to rack up so many enemies. 

Caleb falls asleep waiting for him to finish. 

The mattress dips under Ben's weight and Caleb flails a little and tries to get up. 

Ben puts his fingertips over his heart, the barest amount of pressure but if feels like there's a boulder sitting on his chest. 

“Just move over.”

“Ben.”

They aren't children. Caleb has his own tent and his own bed and there's an army outside. 

“No one's going to bother me,” he explains and climbs in without waiting for Caleb to move. “They all know what happened. They're giving me my privacy.”

The bed is far too narrow so Ben lies on his side with his arm across Caleb and their legs slotting together. 

He thinks about what he learned in school. He thinks about what was said in church. 

“Do you remember when we were kids and Sam would be asleep and he'd be keeping us awake from his snoring.”

Caleb laughs a little. 

“And we'd take turns balling up paper that we ripped out of our textbooks and throwing it into his mouth.”

“He woke up and beat us.”

“But we kept doing it.” 

“It was funny.”

Ben laughs and holds Caleb a little tighter. 

“You’re all I have now,” he says. 

_You’re all I’ve ever had._

*****

Washington tells them to rendezvous with General Arnold and advance the mission as he sees fit. 

Ben swells with pride at the trust he's instilling in him. 

On the way to Connecticut they stop in a town that's sympathetic to the cause and accepts Continental dollars. 

Caleb buys a bar of soap and a loaf of bread for him and Ben to share. The woman working behind the counter gives him fresh butter and milk for no charge. She has holes in her dress and there are four children running around all with tears in their clothing. 

“I can pay, ma’am, please.”

“No,” she refuses. “Please, you boys are doing enough.”

“It's really not a problem, let me pay.”

Ben walks in as they're pushing coins back and forth across the counter. One of the children, the younger, maybe four or five, makes grabby hands at his helmet and Ben smiles down at him and put it on his head. The kid is top heavy and wobbles but holds it up so he can see and runs out the door to join his siblings who are circling Ben's horse. 

“Both my sons are fighting. Or they were. I haven't heard anything from them since the new year. Those are my grandchildren.”

“Which is why you should take our money,” Caleb explains gently. 

“Which is why I should do my part. My sons probably won't come home. I'm going to do what I can to help other mothers sons.” 

“With all due respect, Ma’am, both of our mothers are dead.”

“Then you need someone looking after you now more than ever.”

Ben's horse paws at the ground and her grandchildren scatter. 

“I apologize for the children.”

“It's alright,” Ben tells her. “Why don't you tell Lieutenant Brewster your sons names and once we get back to camp I'll see what I can find and let you know.”

Caleb scribbles down their names as Ben goes out to entertain the kids. They hide behind his legs as he takes an apple out of his saddlebag and hands it out one of the girls to feed his horse. She giggles, high pitched and clear as he eats it messily out of her hand. 

“Now, are you going to take this or do I have to force you?” 

Caleb's drawn back to her. She has her hand on her hip and she is not taking anymore shit from him. 

While she's putting together his things he looks back to Ben. Two of them are sitting in the saddle and the one that's wearing his helmet is spinning in a circle and Ben is knelt down on one knee talking to the oldest and tucking money into the pocket of his shirt. 

*****

Selah wants to go home. It’s not that far and he did just walk away off a prison ship. Doesn’t he deserve a home cooked meal? They outnumber Hewlett’s men and they have more to fight for.They could take by their home. 

Caleb doesn't have it in him to tell him the truth, that he thinks something is happening between his wife and Abe. How do you tell a man that just faced and beat a certain death that he doesn't have anything to go home to? 

*****

Home finds them. 

Walter Havens jumping down from the back of a horse and telling them how he’s cheating the hangman and how Ben’s father and his uncle might not be so lucky and just like that they’re going back to Setauket.

*****

Caleb wants to attack at night. They have more than enough men and he’s not sure they even need all of them. How many men could Hewlett have guarding a cellar door at night? If he, Ben, and a few others got into town they could subdue the guards and get everyone out before backup arrived. 

But Ben wants to wait so they wait. 

*****

“What if they did it?”

“What do you mean?”

“My uncle and your father, what if they actually did it? You know your father never liked Richard Woodhull, it’s no secret. And my uncle…”

“Your uncle is too sick to make the poison and everyone knows it and my father swore he’d never kill again. I don’t think he could do it.”

“I never thought I’d be fighting in a war but here I am. Did you think you’d be doing this?” 

Ben looks towards the fire with a flicker of doubt crossing his face.

“Besides, a Brewster and a Tallmadge fighting alongside each other.”

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. It doesn’t make a difference either way if they did it or not. 

We’re getting them back,” he puts his hand on Caleb’s shoulder. “Everything will be okay.”

*****

It's not okay. 

Abe's tells them they're bound for the Jersey, like that's an acceptable alternative.

Anna hits them with guilt for not letting her know about Selah and Ben has to tell them about Sam's death and Caleb is itching to shove Abe against the same support beam he had him against and beat some sense into him when he asks Ben so this raid is family business, _because Woody, you have no idea what Ben has been through. You have no idea what it's like. You are in no position to make threats against him and I plan on defending him no matter what._

He restrains himself and grabs the front of his coat and forcefully tells him they're not leaving with their family. 

They send Abe up the hill with a white flag and their terms and have to wait.

Finally, Simcoe emerges with his uncle and Caleb watches him die in front of the same church they went to countless times before. 

He said he’d come back for him.

He said he wasn't leaving without him. 

He didn't mean it like this. 

Back at the boats he watches Ben hug his father and Anna jump into the water and feels nothing towards either of them. 

*****

After they've set up camp and buried his uncle Ben comes looking for him. 

“How’s your father?”

He doesn’t mean for it to come out like that. Accusatory. You saved your father but not my uncle. 

He wanted back in Setauket just as much as Ben did. It was a risk that didn’t pay off for him. 

That’s what war is. One big risk. 

Still, Ben’s footsteps falter for a moment before he carries on and sinks down onto the cot next to him. 

“I’m sorry, Caleb.” 

He thinks, _that’s nice but it doesn’t do me much good._

“I won’t go back to Setauket.”

“What?”

“When this is over. If I make it out alive. I’m not going back there.”

“Why not?”

Caleb pushes himself to his feet and Ben reaches after him, hands stalling in the air where he used to be sitting. “Why would I? There’s nothing for me there. I’ll start over somewhere new.”

Ben is quiet for a long time before he says “I’m bringing my father to Connecticut tomorrow We have family up there. Do you want to come with?”

“No thanks, Ben, but enjoy time with your family, you’ve earned it.” 

*****

Tension follows them back to camp where Ben orders him to get in contact with Abe even though they both know it’s not safe. 

He had the power to kill Simcoe. He should have done it. His uncle and those men who died on the first charge up the hill towards the church would still be alive. 

That’s all on him.

But this, putting Abe and Anna in danger like this, he can’t be apart of it. He’d do anything for Ben and there’s guilt in falling short but it doesn’t stick because he just doesn’t have room for anymore. 

“If you want to get Abe killed,” he says, up in his face. “That’s on you.” 

For the first time he doesn’t come back when Ben calls him. 

*****

“And who is the general's latest toy?”

“Some major. Tallmadge I think. Long Island by way of New Haven.”

“He's in intelligence,” another says. 

“Intelligence? Ha. What does he do all day?” 

“Stand there and think of ways to look pretty.”

“Which is does, so well.”

The man laugh and Caleb's blood boils. 

******

He's not even mad when Ben starts something with Bradford. It gives him a good excuse to step in and fight. He's been ready to fight. 

“Caleb, wait,” Ben says after. His knuckles hurt. He wants to lick his wounds in private. God knows what they'll say about Ben now. He had to be ready. But he turns around and gets a look at Ben's cheek in the firelight. His eyes and the way he holds himself and feels responsible. He asks him if he's alright and then asks him again. He claps his hand against this shoulder and tells him to cut Washington some slack, cut himself some slack. 

*****

Days later Ben's cheek is still red and he comes to Caleb with a story about giving up his seat at dinner for the one and only Benedict Arnold and Caleb, says and grabs his wrist because he had been pressing a damp cloth to the side of his face for the last ten minutes. It's not going to help any but he's letting him put his fingertips to his jaw, he can feel his pulse, and angle his head and Caleb's not about to stop. 

“He's exactly as I imagined him to be. And Bradford,” he laughs, his pulse jumps and so does Caleb. “His lip is split. You should see him. The impression he must have made. First chance I get I’ll introduce you to him.”

“Why would he want to meet me?”

“Why wouldn't he? You risk your life everyday. You're a hero. He would respect that. I should talk to Washington about getting you promoted.”

“Captain Brewster,” Caleb mumbles. “Sounds like too much responsibility.”

“Yeah, you’ll have to take care of others instead of just taking care of me.” 

“And the amount of time I put into that,” he drops the cloth and replaces it with the warmth of his hand. “I should be the General.”

Ben wants to set a trap for General Lee and Caleb knows his anger is justified and Lee is awful but as he watches Ben go over the wording of the letter with Sackett he thinks please be careful. Sackett is right. 

He knows better than to try to talk him out of it. 

Caleb leaves for Hackensack Township, New Jersey on a mission for Sackett and doesn't say a word against Ben’s plan.

He has friends Ben knows nothing about. Friends Ben wouldn't fit in with. He just wouldn't and he doesn't want him to. He looks at them, dirty and drunk and under constant threat of attack and wants Ben to have nothing to do with his. Ben, who frowns at dirt on his boots and coughs when he drinks Madeira and refuses to act like any other officer and watch lower ranking men die for the cause while he sits on his horse on the top of a hill. 

Still playing soldier boy then? Ryder says. 

Yes, he says my ass is paid by congress but thinks I have someone to go back to. I have someone to protect. I'll play the part as long as I have to. 

He loves the sea. The ship and the freedom of it all.

Piracy has its appeal. 

But.

Ben's not going to go with him.

He's not going to go without Ben. 

******

Robert Rogers wants him dead now too. 

Whatever pulls his focus off of Ben.

******

Ben only says that he's fallen out of Washington's favor. If he didn't look so broken up about it, if it didn't look like he needed someone to sit next to, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, knee to knee and silently toss pebbles into a mug from across the tent he'd walk right up Washington, past his guards, past Billy and ask him _don't you know what he's given up for you? Don't you know all he could have? Look at him. He's a kid who is walking like a man. Look at Culper. He has a wife and a child and Ben gave all that up. Ben could have it all. He deserves it all. I want him to have it all. He left it in Setauket and New Haven at Yale with a friend that died for you. Ben would die for you. He's the best man I've ever met, I'll ever meet, and you treat him like this? Demote me. Transfer me. Hang me for speaking out of turn. It doesn't matter. Seeing him like this: I'm already dead._

Instead he tosses those pebbles in turn with Ben until his head tips onto his shoulder and his breaths even out. 

Caleb drops the rocks onto the ground and sits there with the back of his hand against Ben's for hours, until Ben lifts his head up, half smiles at him and picks himself up.  
Caleb watches him move in the low light, his shadow dancing across the wall of the tent behindhim. 

“You should get some rest, Caleb.”

He's dismissing him. 

Caleb follows the order.

******

One of the men is lying. 

Ben needs to stay and find out which one it is. 

He tells Ben he’ll lead the decoy to Baltimore but Ben doesn’t let him go without a hug. 

******

He comes back from Baltimore and Thevenau De Francy is dead. 

Sackett is dead. 

Abe is in a prison in New York and Hewlett has been captured and Washington is reassigning to Boston. 

Nothing makes sense. 

Ben doesn't seem to be mourning Sackett at all. Everyone handles grief in their own way but this, this anger is not Ben. 

“Sackett is dead.”

“Did you not hear me? Abe is in prison. Hewlett is the only one that can get him out and we have Hewlett but we can't let him know why we need him to get Abe out.”

“Sackett is dead.”

“Why do you keep bringing that up?”

“Because he's dead, your friend is dead and you,” 

“Can't change that. There's nothing I can do. Why would I dwell on it?”

“I'm not asking you to dwell but-.”

“We have to think of a way of getting Abe out.”

“Slow down.”

“Every moment Abe sits in there he's closer to being caught. He'll be hanged as a spy. I can't let that happen again.” 

“Abe will figure out a way. He's been keeping himself alive for this long.”

“He needs our help.”

“I'll come up with something, I'll figure it out. When was the last time you ate something, or slept.”

“Who cares about me? There are more important things.”

“You are the most important thing. Without you none of this works.” 

God is still on his side. 

If Washington let Ben interrogate Sutherland he'd be dead instead of Sackett. 

Ben stands over Hewlett’s grave and tells him that god is laughing at them. Caleb can’t give him a good reason as to why that’s not true. 

******

He'll never tire of surprising Abe. 

He'll also never tire of wanting to beat his ass.

Abe refuses to go back to camp with him. 

He seems to think he has his own way to get home and all Caleb hears when he explains it is that he risked his life in a powder keg and shaved his beard for nothing. 

He has to meet up with Robert Townsend who seems wary and Caleb has to remind him over and over again that he’s really on his side and he can let go of the knife he has hidden beneath the table. 

When he gets back to Ben he’s in trying to start a retreating army led by Lee and Bradford and then Lee is threatening to hang him and Caleb doesn’t know why he ever leaves Ben side. Things seems to go to hell when he’s not by his side. 

*****

By the end of the night Lee has been publicly humiliated and Bradford has been outed as a would be assassin. 

The men are celebrating their stalemate victory and Washington invited the two of them to drink with him, Lafayette, and Hamilton. 

Lafayette loosens up quickly with wine and tells what Caleb is assuming a dirty joke beginning in accented English then slipping into French half way through that he can't keep up with but Ben laughs and the tips of his ears turn red. 

They're opening their second canter of wine and Washington is trying to get Billy to join them but he stands by the door looking nervous because _“sir, don't you think it might be time to slow down. There was a threat made on your life today.”_

“All the more reason to drink!” Hamilton announces as he stands with a glass for Billy. 

“I have to say Lieutenant, I almost didn't recognize you without your beard.” Washington is slurring just slightly and behind Billy roll his eyes. 

“Neither did I,” Ben admits. His voice is unsteady as well and Caleb shares a sympathetic look with Billy. 

“Did you have it for a long, Lieutenant Brewster?” Lafayette asks. 

“Oh, since we were kids. I feel like he always had it.” 

“I had no idea you've known each other that long,” Hamilton says as he refills their glasses. 

“All our lives,” Caleb tells him. “I don't remember a time when I didn't know him.” 

“Perhaps that's why you work so well together.” 

“To new, old, and long lasting friendship.” Lafayette says with his glass raised in a toast.

Caleb can drink to that. 

*****

After their fourth bottle Billy has to haul Washington towards his bed, muttering curses under his breath he would never dare utter if The General were of sound mind. 

Lafayette and Hamilton are speaking in rapid fire French and Caleb puts his arm around Ben’s waist to help out of the door. 

“Do you two need any help?” Billy ask, hands on his hips, clearly disgusted by the whole situation. 

“We’re fine, Billy,” Ben nods and drops more weight onto Caleb. “You enjoy the rest of your night. 

Outside he stumbles against Caleb and pins him to the side of the cabin in the shadows. 

No one can see them. 

Ben's fingers close around the his hip

“It's strange seeing you like this.”

His breath is sweet and hot. 

“I remember,” he says, moving his other hand to the side of his face, rough fingers against smooth skin, “when you kissed me when we were young.”

Caleb's back goes straight to the wall, tension tight up and down his spine.

“You kissed me and I could feel the stubble. All the way back then,” he drops his forehead to Caleb's. “We were so young. Do you remember?” 

He can't forget it. 

“I remember.”

“I kissed you back.”

“You pushed me away.”

“I was a kid.”

“So? So was I. I knew.”

“How did you know? When did you know?”

“Why are you asking me this?”

“I want to know.”

“I just knew. It was like I always knew and I wouldn't ever know anything else.” 

Ben smiles, warm in the glow from the window above them and he bends his head down. 

“What are you doing?”

“I just want to see-.”

“See what?” Caleb snaps and pushes him back but he has such a hold on his sides. “You want to see if you like it? If you like me? And if you don't you can just forget it ever happened? I can't do that. I am not a mistake for you to make. I can’t be a one time thing. I've wanted this all my life and if you don't feel the same then let me go.”

Ben hesitates, just enough and Caleb is prying his fingers loose. 

“Let me go.”

Ben steps away. 

*****

He figures he has three options. 

He can act like tonight never happened and push through the tension. Ben is his oldest and closest friend. He was drunk or at least on his way there. 

He can be a courier and nothing more. Their relationship with be strictly professional. They won't sit side by side in front of the fire every night passing a drink between them and sharing stories from their youth. 

Or he could run off. Once it gets dark he could walk out of camp, stay in the tree line and off the road until he got far enough away that no one would recognize him. Live the rest of his life without Ben. 

It's an arresting idea. He probably wouldn't make it for very long without him. 

His back is to the front flap of the tent but he knows it's Ben that walks in. 

He's closing the flap securely behind him when Caleb turns around. 

“I meant what I said and I’m not in the mood to talk anymore, there’s nothing left to say.”

Ben walks right to him, as straight has a bullet from his gun, and hauls Caleb against him.

Ben kisses him like he’s sober, like he means it, like he never doubted his feelings. Caleb wants to stand there forever just like this. Kissing his best friend with their arms around each other and not caring about the danger that lurks just outside the tent. Ben backs him towards his bed where he climbs over him, presses into him, and touches every part of him. 

“You were my first kiss,” Ben tells him later with his lips still moving slowly over the column of his throat. They drag along his collarbone and then back up again. “You are my first love.” 

Caleb squeezes his eyes shut against the words. He can’t believe he’s hearing them. He’s spent his whole life thinking about it, dreaming about it, waiting for it. It took distance and time and a war for them to get there but Caleb would wait another lifetime for it. 

Ben’s mother was right.

Sometimes love finds a way.


End file.
